I just saw that someone I used to date and his wife are now having their second baby. I’m not jealous, but I am jealous of the fact that they live a normal life. I am jealous of anyone who lives a normal life and fits in without too much effort. They are not even trying to please society or anyone. They just are normal. And I am jealous of people who have normalcy in their lives.
Let’s see… I’m 29, and childless. I couldn’t care less because I’m not sure if I want one in the first place. But my parents think it’s a must, it’s but natural to go down that path. Women should marry and have kids while the husbands work and have affairs. I’m being sexist, I know that. I can’t help but wonder if I secretly think people my age who are married and child bearing are more accomplished than I am. Not in terms of money, or career. But because they have experienced parenthood and the joys and sorrows of having children, are they more accomplished than those of us who are still debating if we want to get married or have children?
I like to tell people that God has everything figured out, so we should stop worrying too much. What is meant to happen will happen, while some will debate there are times we have to do something to get what we want, I believe it is entirely up to Him. We may force something into our lives, but genuine happiness can only be felt if it is truly meant for us. We see people working their way to the top, being normal like everyone else but whether they are truly happy deep inside is something only they can know. A person can have all the money in the world and feel empty, and that is something only they can know. A person can be so poor yet it is in him that you will see moments of genuine laughter that is better than a lifetime of emptiness in his heart.
My mom tells me she’s worried for me. Because that’s what parents do, apparently. They worry because it’s their job, and my mom says I would never understand until I become a parent myself. This is probably why I fear having kids. But it’s also their job to trust their children with their own decisions. I think their job is also to trust that their children know what they’re doing, especially when they are past the age of 25. Obviously I’m not a parent so it’s easy to say all this. But can I say it’s what I would want as an offspring? I believe children should screw up and make their own mistakes and run to parents so they can have Ma and Pa tell them “It’s okay, everything will be alright” and not impose on what children should do because they know this and that, which I’m sure they do but it’s just wrong to dictate what they should do with their lives. But Asian parents do that a lot. I’m sure it goes beyond just having bad parenting skills, it entails a lot of psychological explanations as to why they turned out like that, from how they were brought up as children and what they were exposed to as children and adults. So I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent, if I’ll be able to give my child what I would want as a child. But that should be the least of my worries because when the situation presents itself, I will know what to do. As with anything with life.
I find that I don’t want normalcy for the right reasons. I am tired of people asking me why I’m not married yet. My reasons are none of anyone’s business, but I can’t tell everyone that. I’m tired of having to defend myself and my decisions, but there are nosy people. I can’t have them all killed. Or can I. Hmm, the point. The point is that I find that I want a husband and kids only so that people would back off. I don’t think that is my number one priority in life, I am not normal, apparently. Because I’d rather spend my time with dogs or helping other people, understanding myself more, traveling to places, taking photographs of stray dogs, collecting notebooks and sticky notes, doing things that interest me, and if I find someone along the way then good! But I’m not going to devote myself and my time to being desperate and settling for less just because time is running out (I know, so stop pestering me and let me do what I want) or because it is only age-appropriate. I am far from being age-appropriate. I am attracted to many things and many people. Why, I am even in love with my new notebook that comes with a pen! I am in love with life and the cheap thrills it offers!
So do I feel less accomplished? Yes, probably. But only in times when I’m scrolling down these updates and photos of other people’s lives do I feel this way. I believe I do experience genuine happiness from time to time. Do I really want children or is it societal pressure that’s telling me what I want? Tricky tricky.
I received a newsletter entitled “The Top 10 Places to have a Mid-Life Crisis” from LonelyPlanet, maybe it’s a sign.