I have to admit, sometimes at night I’m scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid I won’t wake up when morning comes. I think that’s a sign that I’m not living enough, because I am that scared of dying. They say it’s not so hard to die when you know you’ve lived. I really do am scared of dying, more than I’d like to admit.
I fear that after I’m gone, my parents will soon discover that I am not who they think I am. Maybe, they will even feel I am a stranger to them after all. Because they will find out that I hid a relationship from them for 9 years, and that I smoke occasionally. None of that makes me proud, but it’s who I am. But they will understand why I kept it from them, it is precisely because of their reaction upon finding out. I don’t want to be alive to see the hurt, and disappointment in their eyes. Good for me, but not for them.
I’m scared of them seeing the things in my room, the letters of exes and them turning out to be a total surprise to them. Then they will find out I left behind someone I love very dearly at the moment. Someone I actually am starting to think is “the one”. And I shall hope they will accept that person wholeheartedly. But I imagine that person will no longer be want to be connected to my family, after all, what’s the point?
I am scared sometimes. In the silence of the night where life can be taken in a matter of minutes, it is very scary. Right now, as I type, it seems but natural for my fingers to be typing this fast and my eyes to be looking at the tiny screen on my phone, all the while blood is flowing through my veins, blood is going back to my heart, and it keeps pumping to filter and send fresh blood to the organs and body, all that is happening as I write, the reason I don’t feel pain is because my body is functioning well. Except for my left scapula which hurts like hell, but I have gotten used to that pain. So no complaining there. I do get scared of leaving this world because it is such a great place to live in. I cannot imagine not being able to touch my dogs, kiss the person I love, eat Pringles or fries. I think it’s the tangible things we will miss the most. We will miss what our senses can do for us, and we will feel bad because we will miss out on the better technology that is yet to amaze us even more in the coming years. I personally would like to experience it all. But that’s the thing about life and death, we don’t get to call the shots. So while this moment is here and real, let’s drink to it.