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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Fear for Dying

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I have to admit, sometimes at night I’m scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid I won’t wake up when morning comes. I think that’s a sign that I’m not living enough, because I am that scared of dying. They say it’s not so hard to die when you know you’ve lived. I really do am scared of dying, more than I’d like to admit.

I fear that after I’m gone, my parents will soon discover that I am not who they think I am. Maybe, they will even feel I am a stranger to them after all. Because they will find out that I hid a relationship from them for 9 years, and that I smoke occasionally. None of that makes me proud, but it’s who I am. But they will understand why I kept it from them, it is precisely because of their reaction upon finding out. I don’t want to be alive to see the hurt, and disappointment in their eyes. Good for me, but not for them.

I’m scared of them seeing the things in my room, the letters of exes and them turning out to be a total surprise to them. Then they will find out I left behind someone I love very dearly at the moment. Someone I actually am starting to think is “the one”. And I shall hope they will accept that person wholeheartedly. But I imagine that person will no longer be want to be connected to my family, after all, what’s the point?

I am scared sometimes. In the silence of the night where life can be taken in a matter of minutes, it is very scary. Right now, as I type, it seems but natural for my fingers to be typing this fast and my eyes to be looking at the tiny screen on my phone, all the while blood is flowing through my veins, blood is going back to my heart, and it keeps pumping to filter and send fresh blood to the organs and body, all that is happening as I write, the reason I don’t feel pain is because my body is functioning well. Except for my left scapula which hurts like hell, but I have gotten used to that pain. So no complaining there. I do get scared of leaving this world because it is such a great place to live in. I cannot imagine not being able to touch my dogs, kiss the person I love, eat Pringles or fries. I think it’s the tangible things we will miss the most. We will miss what our senses can do for us, and we will feel bad because we will miss out on the better technology that is yet to amaze us even more in the coming years. I personally would like to experience it all. But that’s the thing about life and death, we don’t get to call the shots. So while this moment is here and real, let’s drink to it.

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Selfies

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Three girls who have been taking pictures of themselves ever since they got here. I think that was 10 minutes ago. I cannot help but overhear their conversation and I am giggling on the inside. I think they’re funny, that’s all. Good friends talking always are fun to listen to. And I swear I’m not eavesdropping.

The mayor in Davao is giving 2-Million Pesos in reward for the capture of the two suspects in the bombings. By “capture”, does he mean their heads? He is known for that and that is why Davao has very low, or even zero crime rate. I like his style. It is not extreme, in my opinion. A life for a life. But I’m not going to Davao anytime in the near future, that’s for sure.

iOS 7.

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Okay, I finally updated to iOS 7 and I have to say I am loving it so far. Except for the fact that I find the colors a little too bright? The brightness actually hurts my eyes. I really love the feature to block callers and then the control center, that has always been the reason why I was tempted to a.) jailbreak my phone and b.) switch to Android. How could they have missed to put a shortcut to Enable 3G in the control center though?! Ugh. Who uses the “Do Not Disturb” shortcut? Or is that more frequently used then the Enable 3G button?

I think I have to start listing down places I wanna visit in the next five years.

Antisocial

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I am waiting for 9:00 pm, so I can go home. The reason why I hate going home early is because of the fact that people can call me there, and there are people at home and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to talk some more and deal with whatever has to be dealt with. I mean not at this hour, you know? I sound antisocial, that’s because I am. Maybe I really do hate small talk and all that shit on some days. So I am hanging out at a restobar right now, waiting for my spicy and delicious taco.

So I am really looking forward to going to Los Angeles someday. Because of the very special person who is from there, and so somehow even though I’ve never been to the U.S., I am very excited about it and do some traveling with this person. I do need to work on getting the visa first. But I can be excited as early as now!

I am going to the wake tomorrow morning, I already know it’s going to be emotional and I’ll probably not be able to hold it together when I see her body. It’s not exaggeration, I really do feel like I’ve lost family.

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Losing someone is really hard. I think just because I already know she’s gone doesn’t mean I have come to terms with it. When I see her body for the last time, it will be an affirmation and it will be painful as hell but I will know that she is in a good place and with the Creator and that shall make me accept it.

Losing Aurora

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Aurora, or Au-Au, was a loyal and good employee to us. She was supposed to turn 66 on the 25th, and she was supposed to go to Manila next year to start living a better life. At 5 a.m. yesterday, she got hit by a car and was brought straight to the hospital. After hours of being in critical condition, at 2 o’clock, she passed away. I am grieving, for she was like family to us. She takes care of my mom’s hair, and despite her crabby attitude has many clients under her care. Not long ago, I had a dream about falling teeth, and I was told that is a bad sign. I guess there is some truth to the superstition. Should I be arrogant now and say it’s not true? Yeah, I don’t think I’d want to be arrogant. I’d rather be ignorant if that’s what it’s called, than be arrogant. Life is so frail. A car hit her and with impact I can only imagine so great that her life was taken away. I’m sure, like many sudden deaths, she did not wake up that morning and think today was going to be her last day on earth. On the way to attend mass, she got hit by a car and now all that is left are her grieving family, colleagues, and friends.

I will miss her. Yesterday was a tough day for everyone, and today and this week will continue to be tough on everyone at the work place. I can see it in their eyes. We will all miss her.

Mountain Bike

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I bought my first “fancy” mountain bike today. It was on sale and I can’t wait to take it out for a ride! I will post a photo sometime since I didn’t get the chance to. But I am very thrilled and I am lucky to have gotten it on a sale price. When I say fancy, it is expensive to me, but I thought it through, and I realized it’s really something I like. So it didn’t feel wrong at all, neither did it feel like I’m wasting money like I would used to feel.