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Monthly Archives: October 2013

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I’m really hurt by you right now and why I’m saying this here is because I can’t, or don’t want to tell you because you probably don’t care about anyone else’s shit right now but your own because of what you’re going through.

Gonna sleep it off. That sounds like a really good idea.

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I can’t believe that I am about to write something that I don’t think I will ever show you. For the first time ever, I have lost confidence that I can tell you anything and everything. For the first time ever, I have lost faith in us being able to make it as we talked about. I guess sometimes plans will end up being just that, plans. I am wondering if I was right all along about relationships. First come the sparks, then when they die down, everything else does too, including the will. And I don’t know why for some silly reason I thought we would be different. Oh well.

I don’t feel like talking to you just as much as you don’t feel like talking to me. No, that’s not true. I actually think you don’t feel like talking to me more, and I’m done reaching out or trying to reassure you when clearly you don’t really give a damn at this point, whatever it is you’re going through. Speaking of what you’re going through, what is that? Is this the real you that I’m seeing or just the one that I did not see when I first knew you? Honestly right now I don’t think I know who you really are. In the beginning, you spoke of such beautiful things about me, and how I made you feel. With how you’re treating me since yesterday, and it’s hard not to take it personal (IF this is your personal struggle), I can only suspect that:

a. the magic has faded
b. I am no longer having that effect on you
c. there is someone else
d. I’m going nuts

It has to be one of the four options. I would go crazy without any answers, you know? I am deleting my account that has posts on how I met you, and certain feelings involving our early days. I don’t think there is a point keeping all those ugly things and emotions there only to remind me of how ugly and beautiful at the same time things used to be between us. It is going downhill. This is what I anticipate for every relationship. Except it is happening too soon for us. Don’t you think?

Instead of writing you I’m going to send this off to cyberspace other than your inbox. You might be right, if you don’t fix this, there will be no more left of our relationship soon because I will reach my limit at one point.

I think I’m just doing to go with letter d. I do want to make this work, but I know better now. No begging for love under any circumstance, for it must be given freely.

I’m just going to get some rest for now.

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I scrounge for change. I bring my own travel mug
to school because it’s cheaper that way. I start books

but do not finish them. I think about love obsessively.
Everything I do reminds me of my grandfather.

My grandmother visits and talks to me about God,
wants me to believe, but I do not have that kind of faith.

I only believe in the easy things, like red lipstick
and coffee before noon and writing essays in pen.

I make my mind up about boys and then I unmake it,
compare us to continental drift, two ships passing.

I hit the snooze button too often. Write disposable
poems on napkins and old homework, try to discipline

myself when it comes to removing my makeup
before bed. I am trying to understand men better,

cut them some slack, write about them less. I dream
about oceans and mountains and wolves. I do not

always love myself. I do not always forgive myself.
I write apology letters and do not send them. Usually,

I do not mean it when I tell someone “goodbye.”

Kristina Haynes, “Self-Portrait at Twenty-One” (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)

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Haha!

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I’m watching El Presidente, finally.

What I Think Love Is

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I cannot help but overhear my mom talking with my dad on the phone. She is telling him about the dinner tonight, how everyone hated the food. How the soup was too salty, the wanton were almost meatless,and how BDO card holders got 50% off but still it wasn’t worth it. She is asking about his condition, how he’s feeling, asking which medication he is taking, telling him what to take and what to do. She is telling him this moment the phlegm will clear up soon and that she might leave earlier to take him to the doctor. She is telling her about yesterday’s earthquake, how their friend’s things were all on the floor when she got home from Manila. I think she is telling him the house he built is sturdy. Wow, a very subtle compliment. Hehe.

I think that is what love is, it is being able to tell someone at the end of the day how the day went and turned out, who we ran into and what we talked about, what we think of a friend’s situation, what we want to do to help them, how we overcooked the fish because we left it to answer a phone call, how we overheard our neighbor yelling at her kid and mistook it as a fire, how we got so scared because we choked while eating, how the dog got out and almost got run over, how we felt happy because our work got recognized, how we felt betrayed because we found out a friend whom we trusted has said something to someone we know. It is at the end of the day having someone to express they care about you, and that they need you in this life.

Even if they find it hard to say those exact words.

5.something is not an aftershock!

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I don’t know how reliable my source is, I was told the aftershocks could go on for a week. My phone will probably be dead for another week, too. Some of the aftershocks felt like actual earthquakes, if only I had not experienced what I did this morning. I can smell dinner. It smells good. I really am hoping I can sleep through the night.